Self Love vs. Self Loathe

sunset-hands-love-woman.jpgIn the past few months I noticed an unpleasant pattern that seemed to be gaining momentum.  I’ve had certain goals, in different areas of my life that I was not meeting.  When this would happen I found that I was being mean, calling names, swearing and / or getting angry at myself.  This process would downward spiral and intensify the more frequently I was not meeting these goals or expectations.

There came a point in the past month or so when I realized something that I often tell my life coaching clients… The more you are hard on yourself, the more you will do the thing that you are hard on yourself for.  What you resist persists.  This is in alignment with the law of attraction.  It does not pay to beat ourselves up, as much as we want to believe that it does.  It does not.  It is actually counter productive.

Let me explain.  When we are hard on ourselves we are sending a message to the Universe that we want to be hard on ourselves, which equals feeling bad.  The Universe sends us more circumstances in which to be hard on ourselves. This makes us feel worse.  Also, when we attach feeling to thought it strengthens the thought, giving manifestation power to the very thing that we do NOT want to do. The Universe does not hear the not.  Have you ever heard the saying, “Don’t think of a pink elephant?” It is impossible.  The minute you say the words “pink elephant”, poof, one appears in your mind’s eye.

One of the expectations I was having of myself that I was not meeting was going to bed by 11pm and get up by 7am.  As I was being mad at myself for staying up later than I would like, I was thinking about ‘staying up late’, with emotion behind the thought. That then creates more of staying up late, AND being mad about it.  We not only create the thing that we are thinking about with emotion (energy in motion), we also create the emotion we are having along with it.  SO, more and more I was staying up late and being mad about it… perpetuating the pattern.

There are a lot of different layers to the inner workings of the mind.  The other side of this is that in order to create something different in our lives we have to think differently.  What that means in this example is that in order to start going to bed by 11pm and waking up by 7am I need to start envisioning myself doing that and feeling good about it (unless I want to feel bad about it, but that’s no fun).  If we keep our thoughts on what IS, we will continue to create more of what IS.  In order to create a different reality we have to bring our mind to a NEW place and IMAGINE that which we want to create as if it already IS so and FEEL the way we would feel as if it were that way.  This is the power of manifestation.  If we are doing the opposite of that, continuing to think about how we are doing the very thing we do NOT want to do, AND being hard on ourselves about it, how can we possibly step out of that pattern or cycle?  It is practically impossible.

I’ve been praying about the ‘going to bed and getting up early’ thing for a long time.  The reason it is so important to me is that it has become abundantly clear that in order for me to get to a much higher level of success, productivity and personal growth, I need to get up early.  I know I need an average of eight hours sleep, so that means going to bed early also.  My friend and teacher, Tahwehdahqui, had mentioned getting up early several times over the years, as a tool to creating more success and productivity in one’s life.  When I pray about having time to do things and getting to that higher level within myself, the guidance that comes to me from Spirit first is ALWAYS go to bed and get up early.  It’s time to start listening.  I have been getting better and better at it, but still have some work to do and that’s OKAY.  Honestly I feel that one of the reason’s I’m writing this blog now is that putting this out there for anyone to read, will help hold me accountable.  That’s not to say I won’t make exceptions from time to time.  That’s part of life too.  Along with the guidance to go to bed early, I have received guidance that in order to succeed in going to bed early, I need to start getting ready for bed around 10pm, 10:30 at the latest.  Part of getting ready for bed includes meditation.  This helps to quiet the mind, and let go of the day so that my mind can be calm when I hit the pillow and fall asleep easily and peacefully.  On that note, I’m going to start getting ready for bed now and finish this tomorrow because it is 10:16pm. 😉  

Part of the process of accomplishing goals is following the guidance that is steering us in the direction of accomplishing the goal. There are messages from Spirit all around us, all the time… we just have to listen.

It is the shifting from being hard on ourselves to being gentle, loving and accepting towards ourselves that opens up the space energetically in order to create change in our lives… whether it’s loosing weight, exercising, going to bed early, eating better, stopping any habit that is not in our highest good, etc..

Two things to note in closing…

1. If we treated our friends the way we sometimes treat ourselves then we wouldn’t have any friends.  Be good to yourself…  You are the best friend you will ever have.  Where ever you go, there you will be.  You can not run away from you.  When you die, you will come back and have to learn the lessons you did not learn in this lifetime.  So, be good to yourself.

2. Expectations can lead to disappointment whether we have them for other people or for ourselves.  A nice peaceful way to go about having what we want in our relationships with others and ourselves is to IMAGINE it that way; when there is space in the relationship to discuss it in a peaceful loving manner, do so; with ourselves, set intentions and challenging yet reachable goals… Then let go and let God.  Surrender to what will be and do your best to be okay with whatever that is.  Love and understanding, for other’s AND for ourselves is important to maintain whenever possible.

In applying these concepts to my own life I have: decreased my daily stress, increased my peace of mind and made improvements toward my goals. I realized that the pattern was not so much about the expectations I was attempting to meet, but about the attachment and addiction to beating myself up.  It feels good to be letting go of that addiction, and being more loving to myself on a regular basis. I pray for the same for you! ❤


11 thoughts on “Self Love vs. Self Loathe

  1. Good job Laura Jean and a timely reminder to cultivate love in our hearts and minds, especially in a fast-paced, hyper-stimulated digital age with plenty of distractions and diversions. It is the path of the spiritual warrior to slow down, tune in and listen to the voice of Truth and Beauty guiding us with love and goodness to all concerned. Mitakuye Oyashin!

    • Thanks! 🙂 Not sure how I missed this. Apparently I need to check my comments more frequently or set up a reminder. 😉 I’ve added a few more if you want to check them out. Thanks again! ❤

  2. Bethlyn Nyx says:

    I must tell you how reading your blog has lifted me today. This link w was put in my path on purpose. I am at a stage of beating myself up over my past mistakes. I believe I could get past this in time but first I desperately need the people close to me to stop beating me down. I accept that I have to earn their trust back and this will not be quick as it wasn’t lost quickly. I feel if I can get out from under the weight of their reminders constantly I can start to like myself again . I am just going to try to explain to them and even if I have to take it hour by hour instead of day by day. I know I can do this and my goals will be small at first so I don’t set myself up for failure. As long as I stick with that and know that it will be a slow process them my eyes are wide open and I should not fail. I truly appreciate your words and thank you for being placed in my path today.

    Thank you,
    Bethlyn Nyx

    • Hello Bethlyn!
      I apologize for not replying to this sooner. I am just now seeing this comment from almost a year ago. I am fairly new to the blog world and haven’t started posting regularly yet. Just getting into the swing of it. You can reach me at for a more speedy reply. Here is my website w/ phone number and such. If you ever want to set up a one on one session, I’d be happy to work with you. I can work over the phone or in person.
      Otherwise, I’m very happy to hear that this blog was helpful for you. Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your process. I imagine that others will read that as well and not feel so alone in their process.
      Keep your chin up, always know that you’re doing the best you can and believe in yourself. Remember that it doesn’t matter so much what others think and just keep moving forward.
      I’d love to hear about how you are doing now, a year later! 🙂
      Peace and Blessings!
      Also, I just published a blog on here called Meditation: An Act of Self Love. I think you will enjoy that one as well.

  3. I find this to be a timely reminder as I’ve been through a rather “dark” period of late beating myself up for how I behaved in most every area of my life, particularly over the last several years. I’ve been digging deep to let go and let God, opening myself to the Truth of who I am- created whole and healed and complete. As Tahwehdahqui recently reiterated in the sweat lodge, “Helplessness is the number one addiction.” On a path of spiritual growth we strive to “be the change” and as we move in that direction we invariably discover blocks, stories, programming, which may thwart our expansion. We must be vigilant in holding ourselves accountable, compassionately, without “piling” on in self-blame and criticism, otherwise we only perpetuate the same old pattern emotionally, relationally, vocationally, financially and physically. I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

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